I have a pretty thin skin. It's easy to hurt my feelings. Some people know this and have been using it to their advantage: following me around, insulting me, doing anything they can to get a rise out of me. So far, I've just been ignoring it, but I find it hard not to react or feel hurt (though it is getting easier to feel that it's not my responsibility as the behavior grows more and more cartoonishly shrill). Do any of you folks know more about handling conflict well, decreasing sensitivity, whatever? Because my life has suddenly turned into the locker room scene from "Carrie," I can't seem to make this situation work out well, and it's really getting on my nerves.
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New York City
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Re: Handling Conflict
Thu, September 22, 2005 - 3:09 PM'When you do X, I feel X.'
That's the formula. Use it.
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Re: Handling Conflict
Thu, September 22, 2005 - 3:53 PMSorry to hear about your troubles Sady.
The first thing I would do is to determine what it is they are trying to achieve. Are they merely trying to hurt your feelings? Are they indirectly trying to relay some message to you? Are they amusing themselves at your expense? They must be gaining something from their behavior. Not that any reason justifies what they are doing. But sometimes understanding can help you figure how to handle them.
The second thing I recommend is to figure out what exactly it is that's bothering you about their behavior. That maybe they don't like you? That what they say is possibly true? If you value their opinion, why? Do you really want their approval or acceptance?
The third & most important thing is to consider whether or not you need to keep these relationships. However, if these are family members or co-workers or anyone else that you can't remove from your life, then you have to handle the problem directly yourself or through a mediator/neutral 3rd party.
As far as decreasing sensitivity, I don't know how much control anyone has over that. To some degree you can decide for yourself if that person's opinion actually is worth anything to you. But when you're in the actual moment of someone getting under your skin, that might be difficult.
It's unfortunate that some people are just nasty or miserable. Some redirect their hostility outward rather than facing their own demons. It's their way of avoiding dealing with their own issues.
I hope this helps & if nothing else at least find some inner peace. Best wishes!
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Re: Handling Conflict
Thu, September 22, 2005 - 4:23 PMloving yourself is an ongoing thing. there is no end.
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Re: Handling Conflict
Fri, October 7, 2005 - 9:03 AMI always try to minimize the people around me who are negative or destructive. Sometimes you have to pull back or even cut people out of your life to avoid being hurt time and time again.
The best thing is to deal with it head on by communicating in a calm, rational and concise way.
Tell the person directly what it was that upset, how it made you feel and that you would not like anything like that to happen again.
If the person values your relationship or you as a person, he or she would attempt to change their behaviour and apologize for hurting you.
If it is a situation where you cannot avoid them (work, school, spouse, or family) do whatever it takes to avoid situations like that or minimize the contact.
Best of luck Sady. :) -
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Unsu...
Re: Handling Conflict
Fri, October 7, 2005 - 9:21 AMYes, I recently had a bully at work like this. I finally said "You may think you're joking but I take it personally, so know that in the future I will let you know if you say something that hurts my feelings or upsets me, before I take it personally, like I have, up until now." Bullies get off on taking your power away, so as soon as you call them on it, they usually stop and/or rationaliaze their behavior, so you must continually call them on it....ahhh...junior high all over again!
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Re: Handling Conflict
Fri, October 7, 2005 - 10:54 AMwho the hell are these whack-jobs?!!
why do you have to be around them?
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Re: Handling Conflict
Mon, October 10, 2005 - 8:15 AMHi Sady,
Well, there are two things going on: 1) you can work on your improving your relationship with these people through communication, and/or 2) you can work on how you personally react to their behavior.
You haven't given any details about what type of relationship this is, so it's hard to comment on that first part.
Usually, you want to be as diplomatic as you can, but I remember once having a bully at work who was constantly giving me a hard time no matter how nice I tried to be or how hard I worked.
Finally, one day when I was exasperated I told him, "You're a fucking shithead, don't fucking talk to me." After that, for some reason, he loved me. Why it should have to be like that for some people, I have no idea.
Maybe do an internet search for "bullies" and see if there are any good insights there...
As far as your own internal processing of other's mean behavior; I wish there was some sudden revelation that would make you (or me) immune to other's criticism or mean spiritedness.
Here's a thing that reflects one approach:
"Don’t take anything personally - Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering."
Of course, easier said than done, but remember that this is what meditation, and prayer, and all that stuff is for: it's practice. You can't just one day adopt an entirely new mental outlook that is completely foreign to you - you have to practice to aquire new habits, even habits of thought!
The quote is part of the "four agreements" - by Don Miguel Ruiz
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Re: Handling Conflict
Mon, October 10, 2005 - 10:00 AMfor some reason, now I love you too Archer! ha!
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Re: Handling Conflict
Mon, October 10, 2005 - 3:26 PMMean insecure people bully because we let them. There's a dynamic to responding to bullies and to people in general who feel a need to test people's mettle. If ignored, or if they see you acting weak, for some reason it signifies to bullies and jerks to continue their nastiness and ratchet up their antics. But if you acknowledge them by smiling and acting friendly, or asking them how they've been, or laughing with them, etc., after a while they'll leave you alone. Because they'll realize that they can't get a rise out of you anymore and so you're no fun at all. For as long as you show you're ill at-ease, they'll show you their fangs. -
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Re: Handling Conflict
Mon, October 10, 2005 - 3:30 PMFor me, it's MUCH easier to deal w/ bullies outside of work... ha!
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Re: Handling Conflict
Tue, October 11, 2005 - 9:41 PMThat is admirable, Babe...
But how do you get to that point where you are so completely unperturbed by others that you can smile and joke (especially if the situation is something like "the locker room scene from "Carrie"...) ?
-I mean, what if you don't find it funny?
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On the one hand, I guess that sometimes all bullies want is attention, positive or negative, so one strategy is to turn the spotlight on them.
I remember a mid-level manager who seemed to thrive on drama. Her family life was always in turmoil, and she would take it out on the dog (us, at work), so to speak.
But we figured out that we could defuse her by giving her positive attention before she could get started throwing her weight around. We would engage her, ask her how her weekend was, how the various family members and projects were. If she could vent about all the various dramas and traumas in her life, she was at least a little mellower to work with.
So maybe the next time the bully takes aim, cut them off with a loud and direct, "Hey, how's your mom?"
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Are you *never* upset by other's behavior?
- I realize that the way to say this probably should be more in accordance with the self-determinate principle; "Others do not upset me: I upset myself (because my expectations or beliefs about how people should act are unrealistic, idealistic {or some variation thereof}, etc.)
What would be a good mantra to practice with?
How about "Others cannot upset me; if I am upset, it is because I have chosen it for myself."
Does that sound plausible? Is it realistic? -
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Re: Handling Conflict
Thu, October 13, 2005 - 1:44 PMSady said she's thin-skinned. That's the same thing as taking things personally. She's got to learn to shrug off other people's stupid casual cruelties instead of being so raw and open. If she can do so with grace and aplomb, she will show herself and those idiots a thing or two. Think of it as this way: In the animal world there are predators and prey. Her being thin-skinned is like an animal walking around wounded and bloody. All the predators will sniff in the air the fresh blood and come looking for her with their jaws ready to clamp on to throat or hind leg and rip away.
Sady can do a bunch of things: she can confront the bullies and tell them to fuck off and call them a bunch of names; she can hire somebody to beat them bloody; she can ask some authority figure to get the bullies to back off, which of course will only inflame them more; she can set up a camera and video them if they're physically attacking her and so have evidence for a civil suit and for the district attorney's office; she can physically attack them and be labeled a nut and a freak and a menace to society; she can late at night take a can opener to their cars and get back at them anonymously and ask smugly later, How's your car?; she can continue and just take their shit and feel like shit; she can leave and go somewhere else and put the experience down to a bad one; or she can stand up for herself in an adult manner without cowering or being ingratiating or stupid, thereby finding within herself the self-respect and self-dignity that she plainly needs to show those fuck-offs who treat her horribly.
After all, when it comes down to it all, why the hell does she care about those shitty people so much that she's willing to let them hurt her? OK, maybe I'm reading too much into her situation but she seems to be a big (as in adult) girl with talent. Even if those bullies are just jealous of her, she's got something they want so much that they're willing to put her down. So if she has talent, then nobody can take that away from her. But she sure can let it dissipate with worry, guilt, feelings of inadequacy and cowardice, and other destructive vices like alcohol and drugs. If that happens, then she'll have let them "win." But Sady's a winner because she has asked for advice to deal with those jealous assholes. So I've thrown in my two cents' worth. That's all. -
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Re: Handling Conflict
Thu, October 13, 2005 - 4:37 PMI appreciate your 2¢, and your courage.
-I play "devil's advocate" fairly compulsively, so I often think about the "cons" as well as the "pros" when trying to consider different strategies.
In my questions, I was generalizing and deviating somewhat from Sady's post and trying to imagine for myself various situations that could have a similar dynamic.
I agree with you that approaching a problem (or problem person) as directly and maturely as you can is a preferable approach. (Though, personally, I don't necessarily rule out swearing as a potentially effective method of communicating - maybe not for Sady!; but there's a time and place for everything.)
Thank you for replying, Babe; I think your message is a good one, which bears both exploring and repeating. -
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Re: Handling Conflict
Fri, October 14, 2005 - 3:37 PMAs someone who was bullied at home, school and the workplace, I know where Sady's coming from. As children, we were often left to other people's mercies. But as my sister said recenty, We make choices. She didn't say We as adults, because that was implied. Sady can rehearse in her mind and with friends how to deal effectively with her tormentors. She can even watch movies or read books that might give her some pointers.
As a child I read an excerpt from Richard Wright's Black Boy, about the new kid on the block who gets sent to fetch groceries. He comes home empty-handed, because the neighborhood kids had robbed and beat him. So his mother slapped him around some, then gave him a few more dollars with the admonition to bring her groceries home. Now. She also gave him a stick. The boy came back home, with the groceries, unscathed, stick still in hand, and with a new sense of self.
Not that Sady needs to follow the boy's example, using a stick. But if we are going to stand for something, why not ourselves?
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Re: Handling Conflict
Sat, October 15, 2005 - 12:28 PMWarning: tangent follows. 'Babbling', some might indelicately say.
{Ensconces self in armchair, lights pipe.}
A Question: Why *don't* shy people stand up for themselves?
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The Experience: The times when I feel I should have spoken out but did not were characterized by a feeling of fear, but perhaps even greater than fear was a sense of confusion, on a big scale, like an existential bewilderment, which was all the greater because it would come on instantly, taking me by surprise.
As though not knowing whether I was crazy for being so affected by the situation, or if the situation itself was crazy.
It is a sort of feeling like the security of civility and rationality are pulled out from under one momentarily, leaving an insane world.
I needed to take a 'time out' and ask myself, "What the fuck is going on here?"
(I think I will make that my "power phrase"...pardon the language, though.)
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A Theory: If you were a Freudian, you might talk about repressed material and the subconscious.
Nowadays, people talk about past experiences being encoded and "branded" into neural pathways and muscle memory, and neurobiological stuff like that.
Either way, the idea is similar: that experiences that overwhelmed a child's ability to respond - such as times when the 'fight or flight' response was triggered, but neither was a viable option- the intense emotional stress associated with these chaotic experiences becomes a survival response embedded in the body. And events later in life that resemble those primary events can trigger that old physiological response. The past events may be remembered, but we may not associate them with feelings that we are having in the present.
Fear may be involved, but I think the feeling is also one of intense disorientation (Both "Why these feelings now?", and "Why is that person acting that way?", at the same time.) As if things that the child had depended on for safety and security had suddenly disappeared, or become hostile, or taken on some other unpredictable or alien aspect.
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Re: Handling Conflict
Fri, October 14, 2005 - 3:50 PMI've decided that I'm gonna' beat Sady's ass if she doesn't get back in here & comment on this again.
ha! ha! ha! ha!
AT LEAST LET US KNOW YOU'RE NOT FACE DOWN IN A DITCH!
; ^ ) -
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Re: Handling Conflict
Fri, October 14, 2005 - 4:16 PMI agree! Your tribe people here are rooting for you & hoping things have more or less worked out ok.
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Re: Handling Conflict
Tue, October 18, 2005 - 3:12 PMAww, I'm sorry. I'm not in a ditch. I'm past it, and I figured out that I just had to disengage and move on. Everyone here helped. A LOT.
So, no beating today.
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Re: Handling Conflict
Fri, February 17, 2006 - 10:29 AMYou may not necessarily be thin-skinned--these people may just be manipulative, abusive and using you as a scapegoat (stress outlet for their issues and bullshite).
If I cannot discuss the conflict reasonably in a calm voice with the other (who is truly listening and understanding without yelling and/or swearing),
I will cut off the person from my life or leave the situation.
It even meant me leavning a company I co-founded with a type a, narcisstic sociopath. After being away from the situation for over a year now (returned to school), I realized how much chronic stress I was dealing with, how little I slept, and how much I stress-eating binged.
Feel so much better now. Your longterm health, happiness and well-being is so much better.
I have even cutoff abusive and disfunctional family members or only have contact with the a few times a year.
I hope this thread has given you some ideas on handling abusive confrontation. Having a supportive, positive network of good people around you helps.
