I think it's difficult for men to evolve into that new role. Long term relationship or not, I think sex is more exciting if you have to at least work a little for it. My ex-wife used to constantly throw herself at me...something I thought at first was great, but after a while I suppose I started to take it for granted....kinda like, hey, I don't have to make any effort here because I know the second I want to have sex, she'll be available for me. I know, that's not the best attitude to have, but I've learned from that mistake.

so if nothing ends up working, I'd be totally open and frank with the spouse. tell him what you need, but don't make him feel obligated to see things your way, or feel obligated to have sex with you just to appease you. show him what you want. hell, masterbate in front of him if necessary. get a haircut. buy some new outfits that put emphasis on your good parts. just do something different. take care of yourself and your self esteem.

if all else fails, tie him up and have your way with him.

I'd tell her not to hold her breath. My first husband did not like sex and it never got better no matter what I did. It wasn't about me, it was about his own issues. I found out later that he never did like sex, even in high school, when most boys are frenzied.

Telling HER to do something is lame. You make it sound like it's her fault. Like the spouse of an alcoholic can change his behavior.

I'd tell her to get counseling herself, if he won't go.

Aimee, my husband was comfortable letting me believe that his lack of interest was my fault, and I accepted it for a long time. It turned out that he never was very sexual, even with gorgeous women. He's pretty defensive about it..but I don't blame myself anymore. It's hard to imagine someone not liking sex, especially a man. I do know quite a few wowmen who don't, and I also find that incomprehensible, but more common.
I wish I had some advice... I don't.

I do know you can't change another person but you can change your own attitude. Which is not much help in relieving "tension" but it does remove resentment.

So what's the deal:

- Did you decide you wanted sex after marrying a sexless guy?

or

- Did he change/decide he couldn't have sex after he got married?

or

- Did you just not spend much time with him before getting married to notice this little detail prior to commiting to marriage?

My sympathies to you. I wonder if there is something he is not telling you -- could he have a kinky side that he can't talk about or reveal? Could it be that he wants to wear the lingerie himself? I'm not being silly or sarcastic here -- I just know that sometimes people have fantasies or kinks that they are afraid to talk about but that have a real impact on their libido. Is he open to some counseling (individual or couples) so that he could talk about this in a safe environment?